In just a few days...

In just a few days we will be celebrating Charlotte's 1st birthday. In just 6 days after that we will be remembering the day that we lost our son. I can help but think how things can change in just a few short days. 


I have filled the last few months on how to make her party just right. I have purposely consumed myself with the theme, the decorations, the food, the favors. It helps to stay focused on something that I have control over and not the awful feelings that come along with January 21st. 


As I said a few posts ago, I write on this blog for help and healing.  So sometimes, not all the time, a solemn mood makes its way to the pages of this blog. Part of me wants to apologize for writing such "sad" things, but I am not going to. I need to type down these thoughts, even 
if lots of people are reading it. It is me, my feelings and the honest truth of the situation. 


I find myself often thinking, “How did I get here?” I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have wished I could go back in time to those wonderful 4 days we had, before Beaux became sick. Not that there is anything I could have changed, but he would be here. I could be holding him. But, of course, when I really sit and think about it, I know that isn’t fair. He wouldn’t want to come back, his life would not be a functional and happy one. He is right where he belongs. But, in my here and now, I still want him back.


When I do post the pictures of her party...which I will try to do in timely fashion! Know that I know I went "over the top" for her 1st birthday. It is my way of making things pretty and special in this hard and "unpretty" time.